A lot of authors find children hard to write well, but most people find the kids I write very believable. In this post, I’ve tried to sum up what I’ve learned as succinctly as possible: a bit over 3,000 words, broken down into sections.
Kids are not that different than adults. They just lack an understanding of the world, a sense of shame, and a certain amount of self-control.
This has some obvious and some not-so-obvious effects.
I’ve broken this guide down into several sections:
- Kids aren’t actually dumb
- Kids lack context
- Kids are experts in confusing situations
- Kids have short attention spans, poor emotional regulation, and poor impulse control… and different consequences
- Conclusion
Kids do dumb things, but they’re not dumb.
Weird way to start off, but hear me out. What I want to show you is how a person can end up taking really stupid actions based on thought processes that are actually quite intelligent and rational.
A toddler who is obsessed with power outlets and often has to be stopped from probing at them with metal objects is 100% doing a dumb thing. What’s important to understand is that within that toddler’s understanding of the world and mental framework, she’s acting perfectly rationally.
Perhaps the toddler loves car rides and is fascinated by them. When daddy was holding her next to the driveway to wave goodbye to grandma, she saw grandma stick the key into the ignition right before the car magically came to life.
Let’s look at what looks similar to keys and ignition to a toddler:
And before you point out that there are some major differences in these objects, I’d like to provide you with examples of objects that a toddler is expected to recognize as a “dog:”
Our girl might just be trying to drive the house, which would be objectively awesome if it was possible. I would also want to drive a house. The kid doesn’t know that what she’s actually attempting to achieve is her own untimely demise.
The answer could be even simpler. Perhaps the little girl went for an outlet once, and her terrified father scooped her up and cuddled her, alarmed by the near-disaster. She liked the attention and liked the sensation of being held. Every time she goes for an outlet, she gets attention! Why would she stop?!
Well, we know the answer to that, but she doesn’t. Which brings me to my next point:
Kids lack context
The toddler doesn’t know the power outlet will kill her. She doesn’t even have a rough conception of death, for crying out loud. An older child would, but an older child will still understand the world differently than an adult. This lack of context is what often leads kids to making “childish” or “stupid” assumptions and decisions. Some examples:
- My eight-year-old thought that Paul Hollywood, judge of The Great British Bake-Off, must be a representative of “the people who make movies,” because of his last name.
- When I was six, I believed that McDonalds was a good place to go to get cash if you didn’t have any, because I always saw the shiny pile of coins the cashiers counted back to my parents, and never noticed the 10 or 20-dollar bill my parents swiftly passed them first
- When one of my kids was a toddler, they would frequently ask me to turn lights on and off for them. When I “refused” to do the same to the sun, my child got incredibly angry with me.
When you’re writing a child into a scene, pause for a moment and try to think about how the child would perceive events differently than adults. Some of my readers assumed Cassie, a three-year-old in Apocalypse Parenting, was a psychopath because she was happy and relieved when she heard people died. What they didn’t realize is that Cassie’s perception of death mostly comes from watching her older brothers play video games. She heard that bad guys existed, and that bad guys died. Of course you want the bad guys dead. Duh!
If you don’t remember being a child yourself and aren’t around children much, here’s a basic framework:
0 to 8 months (pre-verbal): Everything is a mystery, with the barest glimmers of meaning shining through. When infants can’t see objects, they might not exist. Gravity is something to explore. If they push their food off their tray, it keeps moving. Why?
Their own muscles only occasionally obey them. I have a great video of one of my kids triumphantly grasping a ring hanging from a rattle on their activity gym. Kid was delighted, and shook the rattle vigorously for about five seconds. Then… they realized they had successfully grabbed, but didn’t know how to stop grabbing. You could see the dawning horror on their face. This was their life now. Waterworks followed.
8 months to 3 years (developing verbal, toddler): Every time someone talks to a toddler, it is a puzzle. It’s a puzzle toddlers get better at as time goes on, but is surprisingly complicated.
Is it any wonder, given a toddler’s best efforts to drag meaning out of that statement, that the next thing he does is stick another rock in his mouth?
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Positive phrasing gets you so far as a parent.
“Rocks are for your hands” is a million times better than “Don’t put rocks in your mouth”.
“Keep your butt on your chair” beats “Don’t stand on the chair” hands down.
Even once kids understand negatives, giving them a positive outlet for something they want to do often meets less resistance than just telling them they can’t do it at all. For example, my kids are allowed to swear copiously while in the shower or bathtub. They all know all the bad words (oops?) but they use them only in this harmless setting.
Toddlers are learning to walk, run, balance, and jump. Jumping – even really badly – is actually surprisingly difficult, and may take you until age three to figure out, although some kids figure it out as early as 18 months. Physical dexterity is a developing skill. Coloring inside the lines is amazingly difficult. Toddlers care about other people, but are so busy figuring out the entire world that they rarely have the brainpower to spare for attempting empathy. This makes them seem incredibly selfish a lot of the time. However, if toddlers do realize someone is sad or having trouble, they will frequently go to great lengths to help them or make them feel better.
3 years to 4.5 years (preschool): Preschoolers generally understand the rules of physics as they touch their daily lives. They know falls will hurt, balls and wheels will roll down ramps, etc. They have tons of energy and are used to climbing obstacles 80% of their own height to do things like “sit at the table” and “be comfy while watching TV.” They are generally the weakest person in any situation, and as such, use 100% of their strength at almost all times. Preschoolers are more dangerous than eight-year-olds while play fighting, because the eight-year-old will hold back sometimes and preschoolers have no mercy.
These kids can likely recognize at least some letters and may be able to count, but it is likely that they’ll become confused somewhere between 3 and 10. If their parents have worked with them, they may be able to read, but will stick mostly to short words that follow easy rules. (E.g. “Dog,” “cat,” are good. “Drop” is probably okay. “Pane” is a stretch. “Light” and “computer” will be beyond the vast majority of early readers.)
It’s important to understand that kids are individuals, and they’ll break these rules in line with their interests. If there’s something that fascinates a kid, they’ll develop the related skills ahead of “schedule.” This can mean that a kid who can’t talk might be very deft, easily working a string through the middle of beads his agemates struggle to pick up at all. The kid who doesn’t know that yellow and blue combine to make green can correctly identify 23 different types of dinosaur or construction vehicles.
Kids in this age range are particularly ignorant about social conventions, and won’t hesitate with personal and pointed questions, such as asking someone in a wheelchair “Where did your legs go? Did a monster eat them?” or asking someone with a large birthmark “Why do you have a big brown spot on your arm? Do you know how to use soap?” They will also defy social conventions themselves through ignorance. I was recently at a fancy event with three small girls in attendance in fancy dresses. Two of them showed off their undergarments to the world with no sense of shame, one while doing a somersault and one while laying upside-down in a chair. The only reason the third girl did not show off her panties was that when she hiked up her ruffled dress so she could get a good scratch in on her lower back, it turned out that she was wearing shorts underneath it. Kids are frequently not shy about asking if they can have things that don’t belong to them, because it’s hard to communicate that it’s still rude to ask to own someone else’s belongings, even if you say please.
5-8 years: They can read, but will likely mispronounce words that break rules, and skip or flip parts of longer words (“pasgetti” instead of “spaghetti”, “conjulations” if someone asks you to read “congratulations!”)
They can fake understanding the world, but really don’t. They frequently make authoritative statements on things they believe to be true. (“Mommy got a raise at work, so her office is REALLY high up now.” “You can’t drink and drive!” when their dad is drinking a soda.) Still, they have started to learn the art of “faking it,” so people around them often presume these kids understand what’s going on until they reveal their ignorance by accident. I like the story of a kid seeing his mom send a sympathy card to someone who had been bereaved and asking uncertainly, “But… you’re just sorry that he’s dead. You didn’t do it, right?”
Some kids may be mean, but dedicated bullying at this age is rare. Not unheard of, but rare.
Kids of this age tend to love adult attention, but not be very good at gauging others’ interest in discussions. My eldest explained specific Minecraft crafting recipes to a number of waiters/waitresses and cashiers during this age range, often without even checking to see if they played the game first. Just zero to “I know how to make a pickaxe in Minecraft,“ and then straight on to every detail.
Kids toward the older end of this age range may start experiencing some forms of body shame, but many are delightfully positive about all bodies, their own and others. At age six, one of my kids lovingly patted the stomach of an overweight friend of mine and told them “I love your tummy. It’s so jiggly and soft.” This was intended as a compliment. I have been complimented on my ass in a very similar manner. Another of my children, after being told to get their “little butt in the car” very indignantly proclaimed that “I have a BIG BUTT” because, well… they don’t want to be little! They want to be big! This assertion continued for years.
8-12 years: Hilarious misunderstandings grow less common. They still happen, but more rarely, and kids are actually embarrassed when they do. This doesn’t mean they understand the world, but your errors tend to be more ones of scale, e.g. thinking “$20 is a lot of money. Dad probably earned $20 today.” “College costs a lot of money. Like $1,000!” Your parents are older than you, and your grandparents are older than them, so your grandparents are probably 100.
Simple solutions are attractive, and these kids often think they have it all figured out. This foreign country is bad? We should just bomb them! People are hungry? We should just give them food! People are polluting? We should put them in jail. The world is straightforward and grownups are dumb.
Bullying intensifies during this age range. Kids start to become aware that others are judging them for their interests, appearance, and behavior, and start thinking about the image they present to others.
Kids will likely receive The Talk somewhere in this age range and start picking up on some sexual references/innuendo… but they’ll still miss a lot, especially if the delivery is pretty deadpan. Let’s face it, picking up on all the sexual references is like memorizing all the Pokémon: there’s a huge variety, some of them are pretty weird, and people keep adding more.
12-18 years: They’re close to adulthood. Some kids will be pretty mature early on, others will still be acting out at age 18. Unfortunately for the mature ones, puberty has still decided to dump a truckload of hormones into their systems. Almost everyone is emotionally imbalanced, and some kids respond to this emotional cocktail by pushing others down in order to make it clear that they’re not at the bottom of the pecking order.
How a kid responds to this stormy social landscape will be pretty character-defining.
In many ways, kids in this age range can function on-par with adults. You could easily be gaming with a 12-year-old online and not realize it if you’re not in voice chat. An athletic 15-year-old could easily beat an out-of-shape adult in sports. Teens tend to have enough technological literacy and regular literacy to take part in online forums and communities. Teens can often be enjoyable conversation partners in-person, as long as the topic of discussion is something they have an interest in.
That said, they’re not adults yet, and it will become glaringly obvious at times. The biggest differences are their lower levels of autonomy and experience. They likely have to deal with things like curfews, allowances, chores, and strange parental mandates. They may or may not have a driver’s license, and if they have one, they may not have access to a car at all times. The flip side of that is that they don’t really need to be responsible for themselves. Except in cases of tragedy or abuse, a guardian will likely provide for all their needs. Someone else pays the rent for them. Someone else buys the food, and likely cooks it. Someone else signs them up for things and deals with any paperwork.
Some parents gradually pass these responsibilities on to their kids as they age, so that they’re used to taking care of themselves and making their own decisions when they move out. Some parents do the opposite, keeping every scrap of authority for as long as they can. Decide how your character’s parents have treated them, and give them a commensurate amount of experience and capability.
Kids are experts in confusing situations
A common mistake I see authors make is having children act oblivious to dangerous situations and serious circumstances. I just got done explaining to you that kids usually don’t really understand the world, so this might not seem like a mistake… but it usually is, especially if there are adults around the kids.
Would kids understand what was going on if someone said that the engines on the aircraft were failing? Maybe not. But here’s the thing: kids don’t understand what’s going on around them the vast majority of the time.
Children don’t know why they’re having to sit in the DMV for hours. Kids don’t know why they have to wear seatbelts and bike helmets. Kids don’t know why the doctor gives them shots or why they shouldn’t climb inside the dryer. Kids don’t understand what a “masters” is.
And yeah, that lack of understanding causes issues sometimes and makes kids act inappropriately. But the vast majority of the time, kids look at the adults around them and model their behavior and attitude. Sure, I don’t know what a masters is, but it’s obviously good! Look how proud Dad seems. It’s why a kid might proudly announce to you that their Dad got a masters, and then say “Uh… I don’t know” if you ask if they know what that means.
The vast majority of kids, in a dangerous situation, will notice the adults around them are scared and will be scared themselves. They won’t know why, but they will tend to trust that there is a good reason, and they will try to copy the adults’ behavior. There will be exceptions, especially among kids who aren’t neurotypical, but they will not be the rule. If the situation is extended, more and more kids – especially younger ones – will stop copying adults and start acting out. But in the first five to fifteen minutes? Nope.
On average, kids will roll with crazy situations much more easily than adults, because they’re used to adapting to new situations and not having all the answers. They may, however, become much more upset if some of the touchstones they rely upon are taken from them, because they have so few things they truly understand and truly rely on. If it’s a Truth of the World that we eat cereal for breakfast, the cereal running out may be more traumatic than you’d expect.
Kids have short attention spans, poor emotional regulation, and poor impulse control… and different consequences
This is related to all the points above and is responsible for the majority of “childlike” behavior that doesn’t directly come from a flawed understanding of the world.
I’d still argue a lot of it comes from incomplete understanding. Most adults will let their attention wander more easily after expending intense mental effort for hours on end, and small children are doing that all the time.
Everyone has a harder time regulating their emotions when they’re exhausted, and kids have a lot to wear them out mentally. Not only that, it’s hard for a toddler to understand the benefits of emotional regulation. What gets better in a toddler’s life if they stay calm? Mom and Dad are less stressed, sure, but the impact of that on the kid is very indirect. They may avoid punishment, but… who cares about punishment, if everything is already terrible. If a child is very small, they may not have the ability to put what’s upsetting them into words. Wailing disconsolately until an adult figures out what’s wrong and fixes the problem was an A+ strategy for them as an infant and it’s often their only real option until their verbal acumen increases.
Adults also have different consequences than kids. If a four-year-old throws himself on the ground and cries, I might put him in time out… but I might pick him up and hold him. If I throw myself on the ground and cry in the middle of the grocery store, there’s a nonzero chance that someone calls security. If I do it at work, I may be demoted or even fired. Even in a private situation, other adults will be uncomfortable around me. In that sense, throwing myself on the ground and crying may be a rational action for a small child and an irrational action for me. If a teenager shouts “I hate you!” and slams the door, we may punish the teenager, but not in a way that puts their access to food and shelter at risk.
When you’re writing a child, their age will be the largest factor in their mental maturity. If you had 100 three-year-olds of various upbringings, odds are that not one of them would be able to focus on a task for an entire hour straight. Most toddlers will break down into tears if you say something cruel to them. Most teenagers won’t.
Upbringing, however, is the second-largest factor. A teenager who has been on a steady diet of YouTube videos for over a decade may start off little better than a toddler in terms of attention span (Although they’ll be more capable than a toddler of medium-term change if the situation demands it). A six-year-old who has been raised by loving and patient guardians could easily be more calm and forgiving than the neglected nine-year-old raised by an oft-absent alcoholic.
Think about your characters.
In what ways do they act older than their age? There will be some. Even that neglected child is likely better at making themselves food and going shopping than many of their peers, because they’ve had to figure it out in order to eat.
In what ways do they act younger than their age? There will be some. No child is raised perfectly. That polite and caring emotionally mature young boy might not used to be doing things independently, and get very nervous when adults aren’t available.
If you’re really not sure what’s normal for their age… cheat! It’s easy to search the web and find lists of typical achievements and struggles for kids in a given age range. For kids age five and under you can consult this CDC has a list of developmental milestones: https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/actearly/milestones/index.html
In conclusion… kids are people too!
I hope this helps other authors. If you have any suggestions or criticisms, feel free to let me know in the comments!